I was asked to write about something that I rarely ever do...myself. I have a hard time writing how I feel, to be honest. I just don't think it matters. Or maybe I just don't matter.
I try to write for what I believe every person deserves, no matter who they are, friend or foe.
So here it goes...Its Xmas, Santa will not bring me my grandmother. I am so damn depressed and so alone, there are moments that I just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. I knew things were bad when music doesn't even bring me joy. In this past ten years...failed marriage...jobs where I was expected to be perfect...but they expect leniency from me...my jobs feel like my relationships that I have had in my life now.
I truly need to do something new...I think its time to try to do what makes me happy.
Before I do that...I need to find out what that is. I don't know anymore.
I remember being 5 (yes 5! Im not kidding) saying "Im going to be President"...you can laugh now.
Something inside of my chest is making it very hard to breathe, hard to muster money to get a doctor's appointment. For the first time in my life I have more enemies than I do friends. If it were not for the fact that I have signed up for school I would probably leave the country. Its become a tragic comedy where no one gets the punchline, but I am damn tired of getting punched.
I spend most of my time listening to people in my life that have problems that seem to make Erica Kane seem grounded. At least I know Erica wouldn't ask me to solve her problems. I got some advice the other day about Atlas and how sometimes I need to shrug. You see, for most of my adult life I was the guy you go to for things to get fixed.
Not because im so good at it, Im the only one that generally wont say no. I always thought that saying yes was a positive, a good deed a day was a plus. Now I see that anything in its extreme is not a good idea.
I have a lot of truisms (I will be posting those before I close up camp) that I live by..."the minute you feel the world owes you something...you damn well better have something to offer."
So now its time for school on the 10th, find a way to get into a doctor's office (I had better not die before that) and make something worth offering.
Time to start the process of "shrugging."
I will leave you with something from my past...
For your life I wish a celebration...
1 comment:
A bit remorseful for something not quite clear. Maybe you could still achieve the dream of five yet remember anything extreme is not a good idea.
I was thinking to teach English as a foreign language myself. The need is great as countries merge into a global society and economy.
The world of people is a place not unlike ourselves. We need them as much as they need us.
The friends out weigh the foes when the language we speak is from the heart. The power of words, combined with the color of people will add to the dishes and the flavor we share at the table.
Be more than a President, be all that you can be as a genuine human being.
Such a trail is honorable to walk and along the way we can talk.
Post a Comment